Soosed News Patrol

A 14 year-old in Ireland has been charged with raping two 10 year-old girls. It's getting to the point I don't have to specify Ireland because we already know where this stuff happens.

"A 14-year-old boy has been charged at Belfast Youth Court with raping two 10-year-old girls. The boy, who cannot be named because of his age, was also charged with committing an act of gross indecency against one of the girls."

The boy's mother offered up the greatest excuse for rape I think I've ever come across.

"The boy's mother told the court that he had been diagnosed as suffering from attention deficit disorder and was on a course of treatment to deal with it."

At least claim your son has a serious problem, like dementia, pschyzophrenia or a terrible rash. ADD isn't probably going to help the case.

Still, I'd hate to see this kid's homework.

9 - (2x + 4) = 5x - 7
7 + 9 -2x - 4 = 5x
12 + RAPE = 7x
RAPE = 7RAPE
RAPE NOW

Remember that Irish rapist who got let off with a suspended sentence and no jail time? Remember how he flicked a cigarette at his victim (in front of his mom) and then got sent back to jail?

Well, the news coverage he received for the whole being an idiot thing hasn't helped. It turns out people aren't too happy he was given a suspended sentence in the first place, let alone that he only has to serve three years in prison now that he's back in.

"The Director of Public Prosecutions has appealed the three years in jail insisting it is unduly lenient."

Apparently there is something wrong with raping a deaf woman in her sleep.

In other news, the media in Ireland uses the term "high on drink". What the hell is wrong with them:

"The 20-year-old was high on drink and ecstasy and got into the home through the open back door."

Ireland appears to have just written drinking songs about current events, not actual news.

Ireland has proven once again why they sit at the special table in the international cafeteria. This time their medical community is showing how smart and sober they are:

"A paramedic is in a stable condition in hospital after falling from the side door of a moving ambulance in Co Kerry, the Health Service Executive confirmed today."

ROAD TRIP!

Good news, though:

“The patient who was in the ambulance at the time, did not fall out of the vehicle, but remained on the stretcher inside the ambulance,” said a HSE spokesman.

That's good. Ireland has now improved its medical facilities to include keeping patients from falling out of ambulances. Now all they have to do is figure out how to park the damn thing because ITS HARdWHEN UR DURUNK.

In what has to be the most disappointing news all week, an Irish woman has been charged with murdering her daughter. The alleged murder took place in Co Kilkenny in Ireland (where else) in November 2006.

Disappointing not because of the arrest or pending trial, but because when I hear about murders in Kilkenny, I think of people getting killed in beer:

"A woman has been charged with the murder of her teenage daughter in Kilkenny last November."

Sounds like a beer-related murder to me.

Ireland, screwing us yet again.

An Irish girl is now allowed to travel to the UK to get an abortion, Irish courts ruled.

This would not normally be allowed, but a poll sheds some light on the reasoning:

"Almost two-thirds of respondents to the Irish Independent poll said they supported abortion in cases where the foetus cannot survive outside the womb."

That's right, the baby was going to die anyway:

"She decided to get a termination after being told that her foetus had an abnormality and would not survive for more than three days after birth."

Let's review:

1. Girl, 17, pregnant


2. Abortion bad


3. Baby going to die


4. Abortion still bad


5. Poll conducted


6. Maybe 66% of people polled support abortion if baby will die anyway


7. Ireland still dumbest country on entire planet

I'm amazed people in Ireland learn how to cross roads. They probably had to get immigrants to build those roads, too.

Ireland has removed a drug from being distributed after it caused 3 deaths from liver failure, Channel 4 reports.

"Six other patients also needed liver transplants after taking nimesulide."

Nimesulide, also known as Aulin, Mesulid and Mesine, has been in use in Ireland as relief for acute pain since 1995.

It's been pretty successful since then:

"Since nimesulide was first licensed in Ireland in 1995, a total of 53 liver-related adverse reaction reports have been received."

"This includes nine cases of liver failure, six who needed life saving surgery"

Other countries in the UK don't seem to be having problems with the drug. This might have something to do with it not being approved in them. Who knows!

"Patients taking these medicines are being warned to contact their pharmacist for advice."

Advice: STOP TAKING IT. Then move to a smarter country.

When you can't do it yourself, pay someone else to do it.

Ireland Online is reporting that a Catholic Priest has been giving money to his friend in order for him to seduce a young girl. Oh yeah, his friend is a convicted rapist:

"McGrath knew that Adams had served half of a 12-year sentence in Ireland for raping an eight-year-old girl."

"He also knew that Adams, originally from Newtownabbey, Co Antrim, was living in Liverpool under a false name and was taking his new victim on frequent trips to Blackpool."

"Adams has admitted raping the girl, in both Blackpool and Liverpool, numerous times between May and November 2005. He will be sentenced at a later date."

Definitely the kind of friend I would have around and give money to.

The priest, Father Jeremiah McGrath, is accused of sexually assaulting the girl in 2005.

"He also denies one count of sexually assaulting the girl in November 2005 by touching her."

But don't worry:

"McGrath, of Rosslea, Co Fermanagh, denies three counts of facilitating the abuse."

Case closed.

In what can only be described as an act of pure genius, a convicted rapist in Ireland who received a suspended sentence, is now going to serve his conviction.

So what did he do to breach his suspended sentence and be sent to jail? Reports Ireland.com:

"After hearing evidence from both Keane and Ms Shannon and members of their families, he found that Keane had "flicked a cigarette at or in the direction of" his victim at Ennis railway station on the evening of March 12th last."

Idiot.

Now, flicking a cigarette "in the direction" of your victim might not sound like much, but let's review key facts:

• The man is a rapist
• The man raped the woman in her sleep (wuss!)
• The man is Irish
• The man smokes
• The man takes the train (wimp!)
• He flicked it in front of his mother (haha, yeah)
• He's from 'Barnageeha, Daragh, Co Clare'

Strap him to the chair!

In related news, Ireland's rapists are from places named using first names:

"24-year-old James Cronin from Kerry is already serving an eight-year sentence for the rape and false imprisonment of another young woman he also met outside a Killarney disco."