Soosed News Patrol

Week ago, Kaitlyn Lasitter had her feet cut off by a ride at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. Doctors reattached the right foot while everyone remained hopeful that they could save the left. Kaitlyn has now been released from hospital, and no, they could not save the left foot.

"Doctors at the hospital reattached Lasitter's right foot, according to a family statement released earlier this month. Doctors were unable to save her left foot."

Dag.

This ends the SNP coverage of this event. Stay tuned next week when a 6 year-old gets his toes eaten by a water snake.

If anyone wonders why you shouldn't go on amusement park rides, it's because sometimes they'll tear your feet off. It was just announced that Kaitlyn Lasitter, the girl who had her feet torn off at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, has had one of them reattached.

'Kaitlyn's doctors were able to reattach one of her feet. At this time as Kaitlyn continues her recovery the likelihood for a positive outcome to the surgery remains encouraging. "We have successfully reattached Katie's right lower extremity. We were not able to reattach the left lower extremity due to the severity of the injury. Things are progressing as expected over this first ten days," said Dr. Douglas Weikert, assistant professor of Orthopaedics and Rehabilitation.'

I'm kind of hoping they will reattach the other foot. I mean yeah, a girl's life will be restored, but think of the bar tricks. We can reattach parts after ten days? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

"Hey Jimmy, watch this. Here I'll cut this offajsldfalk;jdh OWW!! Okay! Take this thumb around the world on a vacation. I'll be here when you get back and we'll attach it back to my hand. See you in ten days bitch!"

Sign me up!

I don't even know if this is news, but hey, if Paris Hilton getting out of jail is news then so is this. I'm not even going to link to a story about her because I'm not sure why any stories get written about her at all. Anyway, it turns out that there is an extremely loose connection between the recent murder-suicide involving wrestler Chris Benoit and the accused murderer or Jessie Davis, Bobby Cutts Jr. The connection is Cutts' former girlfriend, Nikki Giavasis.

'Giavasis has been everywhere -- "Today," "Good Morning America," CNN, MSNBC -- portraying Cutts, her former boyfriend and baby daddy, as "aggressive" and "threatening" -- and testifying to his potential to be a murderer. Here's the crazy link: Giavasis was also featured in Wrestlemania XX, the WWE showcase that was won by none other than Benoit. Nikki was part of the WWE "Hot Team."'

Stop. The. Presses.

The only real news that's important here is the pathetic amount of background work the Canton, Ohio police department did before making Bobby Cutts Jr. a police officer. I mean, come on, he was on parole when they hired him. OJ Simpson would make a better cop than this guy.

On Friday, the SNP reported on a girl who had her feet severed on the Superman ride at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. Reports today have confirmed that she is in stable condition, although the status of her feet are unknown.

"Kaitlyn Lasitter, whose name had not previously been released by officials, was riding the Superman Tower of Power ride Thursday at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom in Louisville when a cable broke loose on the ride, cutting off the girl's feet above the ankles, authorities said. Authorities and the hospital have declined to say whether her feet were reattached."

As morbid as I guess it is, I think we all want to know the status of her feet. It's one thing to get your feet cut off by a ride, but if they can be reattached then it shows humans are the greatest beings on the planet. Much better than those damn sharks that can reproduce whenever they want.

I haven't cared this much about feet since Gucci released those designer boots that can walk on water. I'm not really supposed to talk about that, though...

Jessie Davis is dead, as is her unborn child, and Bobby Cutts Jr. (still not a suspect) has been arrested on two counts of murder. Her body was found yesterday in a park.

"Authorities believe they recovered the body of Jessie Marie Davis, a pregnant Ohio woman missing for 10 days, Saturday, and a police officer with whom Davis had a relationship was arrested in connection with her disappearance, police said. Canton police patrolman Bobby Cutts Jr., 30, was facing two murder counts in the deaths of Davis, 26, and her unborn child, said Rick Perez, chief deputy of the Stark County sheriff's department."

This ends the SNP's weeklong coverage, which started with news on corn, continued with the death of a woman and her unborn child, and ended with the arrest of a man who was likely the father. The exhaustive search also uncovered some pot, too.

If anything positive comes out of this at all, maybe it will be that Canton Ohio's police force might change their hiring policies. They should take "recruit people that are on probation" off their list of strategies.

Related:
SNP's entire coverage of this event

On Thursday, a 13 year-old girl who was on the Superman ride at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom had her feet completely severed.

The girl's feet were completely amputated just below the ankle Thursday afternoon while riding the Superman Tower of Power at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom in Louisville. A police dispatcher said a cord wrapped around the girl's feet while she was on the ride. "I seen the car go up. Then, like, the cable broke ... and I heard a lot of people screaming," Chris Stinnett, who was at a ride next to the Tower of Power, told CNN affiliate WDRB/WMYO-TV in Louisville. "The cable went under the car -- and I seen it pull up and hit a lot of people -- and I seen them bring their legs up," he said

It wasn't even a clean sever of the feet, it appears. It sounds more like the cord wrapped around and tore her feet off. Remind me to never go near large cords ever again.

However terrifying this incident is, the girl is now in hospital receiving surgery to (hopefully) reattach her feet.

I guess the only reassuring thing is that at least this didn't happen in Japan, where they don't perform regular maintenance on their roller coasters. Having your feet severed by a giant cord may just be slightly better than have your face smashed into a guard rail!

New developments in the Jessie Davis case have revealed a startling discovery: Canine units sniffed out some marijuana plants. They still haven't found any sign of Jessie Davis, but sure shootin' they found some weed!

"Search dogs hit on one area of freshly dug dirt Thursday more than a mile from her home in nearby Lake Township, but it turned out to be a marijuana plot, Stark County sheriff's Capt. Gary Shankle said. "It's very frustrating, but we just can't leave any stone unturned," he said."

Later, after the plans had been checked into evidence, Shankle reported "Yeah, uuhhh, maan, Jessie? Yeah, we'll find her, but like, isn't she in like all of our souls? You know man, I think I love Jessie. Yeaaaaaah, I'm not frustrated anymore."

Also, Jessie's mom is praying for Bobby Cutts Jr., the guy who isn't a suspect but really is. Not praying for him, per se, but praying he didn't do it. Maybe she should be praying that Jessie is fine and that she accidentally wandered into a well. Not a well like in Silence of the Lambs, but one of those luxury vacation wells. Positive thinking!

Related:

Bobby Cutts Jr. isn't a suspect, wink wink
Creepy child story gets weirder
Children say the creepiest things

In our third instalment on missing white women news, Bobby Cutts Jr, alleged father of Jessie Davis' kids, is still not a suspect. Unless of course you consider a suspect someone who gets his house repeatedly searched and has property seized. That happens to everyone, right?

"Authorities have now searched the Cutts home a total of three times, at least once with with Canine units. Renee Horne, Cutts' mom, told the paper that the agents served a search warrant signed by Stark County Common Pleas Judge Richard Reinbold at around 3:30 p.m. Horne said that agents took his two cell phones with them."

Definitely not a suspect. Not that I would understand why someone that became a cop while he was on probation would be a suspect, even if he doesn't have an alibi. That's just unjust.

In conclusion, Jessie Davis is still missing and now there are 1000 people looking for her. That found baby may or may not be hers, but we won't know until the end of the week. I don't know why it's taking so long with the DNA comparisons, they should have that information by now. I watch CSI, I know what I'm talking about.

Related:

Children say the creepiest things
Creepy child story gets weirder

Yesterday the SNP posted about a creepy 2 year-old kid who said something straight from a horror movie about his missing mother. Recap:

"Mommy was crying. Mommy broke the table. Mommy's in the rug."

Today, while Jessie Davis continues to be missing, the AP is reporting a baby was left on the doorstop of a home 45 miles away from Davis'. Did I mention that Davis was 9 months pregnant when she disappeared?

Thomas Maurer, sheriff in neighboring Wayne County, said the baby was less than 24 hours old. A couple arriving home from dinner Monday night discovered the newborn on the porch of their rural home south of Wooster, Maurer said.

The father of the two year old, who is a police officer, is not considered a suspect. He is also a charming individual, and by charming, I mean "how the hell is he a cop?"

"The father of Davis' son and unborn girl is Canton police patrolman Bobby Cutts Jr. In 1998, he was sentenced to three years probation for disorderly conduct after a former girlfriend accused him of breaking a door jam and forcing his way into their home, causing her to fear for her safety, according to a police report from nearby Jackson Township. About two years after his conviction in the disorderly conduct case, Cutts was hired by the Canton Police Department."

How desperate was that police force? I don't have a picture of their cruisers, but I bet they have this on the side:

"Canton Police: To Protect and Serve Our Time"

A 9-months pregnant woman, Jessie Davis, is missing from her home in Ohio, reports the Associated Press.

"[Her mother] said that when she didn't hear from her daughter Thursday, she went to Davis' home near this northeast Ohio city and found her grandson, Blake, wearing a dirty diaper. The mattress in Davis' bedroom was partially off the bed, a night stand and lamp had been knocked over and bleach had been poured on the bedroom floor, Porter said."

And then her two year-old son said the creepiest thing:

"Mommy was crying. Mommy broke the table. Mommy's in the rug."

I hope, sincerely hope, he is just practising for his upcoming audition for the next Children of the Corn instalment.

And yes, I realize given the situation that the above picture may be in bad taste, but seriously, who can look at a picture of a child in corn and not laugh. Visual puns help get us all through tough times. And help us harvest corn. CORN.