Soosed News Patrol

I hate strippers I can count on one hand!

The current Conservative government in Canada that was elected as a "FUCK YOU!" to the reigning Liberal party has made a pretty odd decision (and by odd I mean retarded).

Reports the Globe and Mail:

"The Conservative government has introduced legislation to crack down on foreign strippers entering the country as temporary workers, even though figures show the practice has almost stopped."

Well, how low?

"the number of new permits issued to foreign exotic dancers fell to fewer than 10 in 2005 from 67 in 2004, according to government statistics."

That many? Quick, draft up a law! This is a good use of government time. Definitely.

Pictured (stock photo, I swear) is Canada's possibly downs-suffering Prime Minister, Stephen Harper. Coincidentally, there is a porn star named Hannah Harper I just found out. Thanks Google Image Search!

Ireland has removed a drug from being distributed after it caused 3 deaths from liver failure, Channel 4 reports.

"Six other patients also needed liver transplants after taking nimesulide."

Nimesulide, also known as Aulin, Mesulid and Mesine, has been in use in Ireland as relief for acute pain since 1995.

It's been pretty successful since then:

"Since nimesulide was first licensed in Ireland in 1995, a total of 53 liver-related adverse reaction reports have been received."

"This includes nine cases of liver failure, six who needed life saving surgery"

Other countries in the UK don't seem to be having problems with the drug. This might have something to do with it not being approved in them. Who knows!

"Patients taking these medicines are being warned to contact their pharmacist for advice."

Advice: STOP TAKING IT. Then move to a smarter country.

Yahoo/AP is reporting that the US Army has set up a new lab to study soldiers. Specifically, they are studying injuries:

"The first-of-its-kind military lab is designed to figure out how soldiers get hurt and develop programs to prevent injuries."

I'll admit, I've never been in the military, and I probably never will. Even without that experience, I probably have some guesses as to how soldiers in a warzone might get injured. In fact, I think I have some rock solid theories of what might injure soldiers: bullets, explosions etc.

Kidding.

It turns out the new lab is to study injuries relating to day-to-day operation, much like an athlete (except not rich/famous and getting shot at)

"These were very similar to the injuries we had been studying for the last 20 years in the sports medicine arena,"

"The tests are designed to recreate the most problematic activities for soldiers, usually repetitive motions that can cause strain on knees, backs and shoulders."

Nothing is worse when parents of soldiers get that dreaded letter from the military: We regret to inform you that your son has strained his knee.

The humanity.

I knew that picture would come in handy.

Canada.com is reporting that a female Buffalo Sabres fan was punched in the face by a Senators fan. This is big news for a few reasons:

• She was hit by a man (term used loosely, Senators fans are not men)
• Ottawa is the worst team in the league
• Ottawa fucking sucks
• The Senators were almost moved because no one in Canada gives a shit about them
• I hate the Ottawa Senators

An eye-witness recalled the incident:

"I turned around and saw this guy hit a girl. I was absolutely disgusted," she said. "I don't care what the reason is. I don't believe anyone should behave like this at a public event. It makes us look like sore losers."

No, it makes you look like dumbasses. And sore losers. Which you are. Because you lost.

The series resumes on Saturday at 2pm EST in Buffalo where Ottawa will no doubt lose. Ottawa fans back home (god knows there aren't any in Buffalo) can feel free to punch each other, including women, in the head. Try to prevent reproduction if at all possible.

After a controversial black activist (Malik Zulu Shabazz, shown left) from the United States was stopped at the border, black activist groups in Canada are blaming the only obvious conclusion: Jews.

The National Post reports,

"Mr. Shabazz, leader of the New Black Panthers, is a notorious figure in black activism in America. Based in Washington, he is a criminal defence lawyer, and helped to organize the Million Man March with Louis Farrakhan of the Nation of Islam."

He sounds respectable.

"He is also reported to have claimed Jews stayed home en masse from the World Trade Center on 9/11"

Oh.

Well, the activist group who invited him to Canada must not have known of his position... right? Nkem Anizor, president of New Black Youth Taking Action (doesn't spell anything, dammit), defends her choice:

"What's to blame is the power of the Jewish lobby to influence politicians, to influence media, to influence whatever it took."

Malik Zulu Shabazz is the national chairman of the New Black Panther Party. He should probably also try not to appear on sites like this, that sell a book titled "The Synagogue Satan".

Next week - Earthquake, or Hitler laughing from hell?

Officials in Canberra, Australia are planning to kill thousands of kangaroos.

"...they want to shoot more than 3,000 kangaroos on the fringes of Australia's capital"

...for no reason...

"noting the animals were growing in population and eating through the grassy habitats of endangered species."

Animal rights activists are clearly angered by this decision:

"The territory's Animal Liberation president Mary Hayes warned that such an action would earn the local government an international reputation for cruelty."

Of course, Canberra has never done anything like this in the past...

"A cull of about 800 kangaroos in the Canberra area in 2004 also brought a large outcry from animal activists."

The rest of Australia clearly would never support such atrocities...

"In 2003, authorities ordered the killing of 6,500 eastern grays at the Puckapunyal military base, 62 miles north of Melbourne. A year earlier, a similar shooting operation killed more than 20,000 kangaroos on the base."

I hate wildlife so much.

When you can't do it yourself, pay someone else to do it.

Ireland Online is reporting that a Catholic Priest has been giving money to his friend in order for him to seduce a young girl. Oh yeah, his friend is a convicted rapist:

"McGrath knew that Adams had served half of a 12-year sentence in Ireland for raping an eight-year-old girl."

"He also knew that Adams, originally from Newtownabbey, Co Antrim, was living in Liverpool under a false name and was taking his new victim on frequent trips to Blackpool."

"Adams has admitted raping the girl, in both Blackpool and Liverpool, numerous times between May and November 2005. He will be sentenced at a later date."

Definitely the kind of friend I would have around and give money to.

The priest, Father Jeremiah McGrath, is accused of sexually assaulting the girl in 2005.

"He also denies one count of sexually assaulting the girl in November 2005 by touching her."

But don't worry:

"McGrath, of Rosslea, Co Fermanagh, denies three counts of facilitating the abuse."

Case closed.

Yahoo/AP is reporting that a panel in Africa has warned that Africa is about to be hit hard from the effects of global warming. Does Africa, the "well they're fucked" capital of the world, deserve this fate?

"Africa — by far the lowest emitter of greenhouse gases in the world — is projected to be among the regions hardest hit by environmental change."

Harsh.

So what can Africa look forward to in the coming years?

"The greatest possible risks of climate change in Africa include rising sea-levels, droughts, famine, floods, the spread of diseases, loss of species, increased conflict, and more extreme weather."

Just what Africa needs, more diseases, conflict and famine. It's like God said "I think Africans have suffered a great deal, let's mess with them a little bit more".

In related news, God/Mother nature are real assholes.

Filed under shocker of the week, Taliban leader Mullah Omar has said the Taliban will continue its jihad against America.

"Ahmadi read a statement attributed to Omar insisting that militants will continue their attacks against "occupying countries." He said Dadullah's death "won't create problems for the Taliban's jihad.""

Surprise!

Last week, Mullah Dadullah, the Taliba's top military commander was killed in fighting with Afghan/NATO forces. Media has claimed him to be a supernatural being:

"Mullah Dadullah - notorious for orchestrating massacres, beheadings and suicide bombings"

The man, who must be some kind of werewolf or hydra, was notorious for suicide bombings? How many suicide bombings can one man really do? To kill yourself in a bomb attack and live... maybe once, twice at most! The western world is clearly up against one hell of a foe.

I'm waiting on reports that Mullah Dadullah was teased in school, because seriously, I thought Bahammad Muhammad had it bad until now. Fatwah kids can be so cruel *sad*.

In a post made today by Seth Godin on his blog, creatively named "Seth's Blog", he links to a nice little essay titled How To Keep Hostile Jerks From Taking Over Your Online Community.

The essay, which is confused at best, summarizes the ongoing issue of angry online community users and their trolling ways. The problem is, in my infallable opinion, three distinct types of users are being confused: The Internet Tough-guy, The Troll and The Angry User.

The problem is, they are all different.

Internet tough-guys can be angry users, but generally aren't, and are rarely trolls. Trolls tend not to actually be angry, but angry users are inherantly trolls. There are trolls that pretend to be the other categories and so on and so on and so on...

The point here is that after reading that essay, which was moderately interesting, I have some grade A commentary to make on it.

Here is what Seth Godin's comments were:

"My take: you can't (and shouldn't) treat all customers the same. It's not clear to me that you can always change the attitude of an angry person. But you can avoid bringing down everyone around them."

What? What are you even talking about? That's not what the essay was about. Either I can't understand what you are trying to say (not likely) or that made no sense.

I don't think Seth actually read that essay. Someone should really write a nasty letter to his web hosting letting them know he links to other websites without so much as reading their contents and then makes comments about it. Sickening, truly sickening.

Next Week - Customer trolls gum stand, brings down all other customers, sale on bananas.

Helllllo book deal!

Microsoft recently announced that open source and Linux distributions are in violation of 235 of their patents. 41 of those violations are in Linux itself. A bunch more are in Open Office and some email program.

Of course, Microsoft is no stranger to patent violations...

"Microsoft had admitted to violating an AT&T patent for converting speech to computer code. That code is found in tens of millions of copies of Windows. The software giant settled with AT&T stateside, but refused to ante up for copies of Windows software that are sold overseas."

This from an article from way back two weeks ago. I imagine Microsoft's PR department is just thrilled.

So will Microsoft actually sue the Red-Hat distro, or its users? Probably not:

"[Microsoft] has limited options for what it can do next. It could sue Linux distributors like Red Hat, but the expensive, bloody fight between SCO and IBM illustrates what a long and painful path that is. It could sue Linux end-users, but there are few companies of size Microsoft could target that aren't also significant Microsoft customers."

Essentially, Microsoft is now going to stand on the edge of the information superhighway and shake their fists at Linux. Badass.

AFP/Yahoo is reporting today that China has launched a satellite for Nigeria. The move was made to help bolster Nigeria's internet capabilites, which are feeling increased strain from the booming email and auction scam industry.

"The Nigerian Communication Satellite, or NIGCOMSAT-1, was launched by a Long March 3-B rocket from the Xichang Satellite Launch Center in southwest China's Sichuan province."

The satellite, NIG-COM for short, will soon be broadcasting emails to North America asking for money and bank transfers SON BIRTHDAY I YOU PAY 10% RICH MAN MAKE YOU.

"[T]he satellite will be used to expand cell phone and Internet services in central Africa."

With this new technology, neighbouring African countries are getting excited that they too may operate massive scam empires.

Yahoo/Reuters is reporting that obese women are some percentage less likely to get cancer screening for cervical or breast cancer. There is a measure of confusion as to why, the article reports:

"It's not clear why severely obese women are less likely to be compliant with these guidelines. But the study found no evidence that their doctors were lax in recommending the screening tests."

Some focus groups have been started to address the concern:

"These discussions have yielded some ideas on what could be done, she told Reuters Health -- including making sure doctors' offices have appropriately sized gowns, scales, exam tables and other equipment, or having special facilities for severely obese women so they don't feel self-conscious."

Well, obviously.

I'll go way out on a limb here and say that it might have something to do with any of the following things:

• Getting screened involves leaving the home, going places.
• Doctors will constantly tell the patient to lose weight. Obese brains are thinking about ham, not losing weight.
• Angry doctors are unpleasant. 300 pound vaginas make doctors angry.
• Some clinics don't have elevators.
• If cancer is found, patients will have to go for many, many more tests. Involves leaving the home, going places.
• Doctor's receptionist is always thin and annoying to the obese.

Next week: Obese women have less sex. Scientists baffled.

The Knoxville Zoo is now displaying their albino gator to the public, reports Yahoo/AP. It can't go outside or the sun would burn its white skin/scales. I'm pretty sure God hates this animal.

The zoo's ad on their website for the gator (displayed left) clearly shows why God also hates Tennessee.

From the article:

"Nobody believes she's real. They stare until she takes a breath or moves her eyes or jumps in the pool."

"Duhhhhh Momma why that one not look like them other ones?"
"Quiet Delilah, mommy's starin at its pink eye"
"I got one of those momma"

Enough mocking places that mock themselves and bring on the pictures!

AHHHHH!



KILL IT.

In Germany, a man has just been found dead in his apartment. He died seven years ago, reports Yahoo/Reuters.

"The police said in a statement the man was 59 and unemployed at the time of his death. He most likely died of natural causes on November 30, 2000"

In a statement issued by police, they mock the fact no one reported it:

"No one missed him. No missing person report was ever filed," the police said.

Ouch. Take that, barely recognizable corpse. It takes a special kind of person to insult a man who died 7 years ago in his 50s while unemployed and watching TV.

According to Yahoo/AP, a nudist resort in Connecticut is launching a campaign to try to attract younger members to attend. Unfortunately, young people don't seem to be interested in vacationing at nudist resorts.

"No one is quite sure why nudity, at least the organized version promoted by the AANR and similar groups, is such a tough sell for younger people."

From the same article:

"The median age is 55 at Solair"

"As nudist resorts become increasingly upscale, catering to baby boomers and retirees"

I'd say the issue is clearly about money and all the studying that students have to do, right?

"I hope to get the word out to younger people that hey, it is OK, and here's a safe place to be, a very accepting place," Maguire said. "Unlike any other place in life, people actually look at you when they talk to you."

Nude young people would probably love that treatment from the retired, naked clientele.

A Conservative Web Log (also known as a "blog" by internet users, also known as "interusers"), Conservative Blog Therapy is a clever cover up, touting itself as:

"A collection of thoughts and links providing much-needed therapy..."

Links, maybe. Where are the thoughts? Introducing a video is not a thought:

"I watched this last night and thought it was worth posting. The video from FOXNEWSFANS is not good quality, but this is an important subject that doesn't get enough play... take a look:"

Weak. And let's not forget summaries are also unacceptable:

"Glenn Becks favorite commercial parodies of 2006...

Hezbollaerobics - "sweating to the jihad", Head Off - "new from exploitico industries...", McDonalds UnHappy Meal - "with one of 4 Inconvenient Truth collector toys...", and more..."

Come on!

I am seriously considering contacting Blogspot (the hosting) and demanding CBT remove "thoughts" from their description. I can only imagine if someone were to land on this site wanting some conservative thoughts, only to be met with conservative links. It would be devastating to an interuser.

Not me, however, I'm a communist. Free Tibet!

In recent news, it has been revealed that everyone hates incandescent bulbs. If bulbs behaved like children, and my research says they do, then Incandescent would have all his lunch money taken by Fluorescent. And Ms. O'Grady's class is boring as shit on an empty stomach.

Well, now there is a new kid named LED. And he's going to beat up Incandescent and Fluorescent, report Yahoo/AP.

"Compact fluorescent bulbs are the only real alternative right now, but "bulbs" that use light-emitting diodes, or LEDs, are quickly emerging as a challenger."

Fluorescent and Incandescent are scheduled to be face-fisted by LED at the flagpole. 4pm you pussy faggots. SEE YOU THERE! (dodgeball after)

As many people know, there is a fixed and generally small amount of possible domain extentions: .com, .net, .org, and so on. In fact, there are many you probably have never heard of, including .asia and .travel (because they suck).

According to CTV/AP, there will soon be many more extentions.

"New Internet addresses for general use could start appearing in the summer of 2008 under a timeline the Internet's key oversight agency announced Thursday."

How easy/how many new extentions will be added? Is it lots?

"ICANN did not specify how individuals and groups would be able to seek new names, but the group indicated that the procedures would be streamlined to permit "a much wider variety of them to be added in a timely, predictable and efficient manner." "

While this may come as non-news to some, it should thrill those of us who enjoy stupid jokes based on domains. Here are some examples:

Del.icio.us - a Digg ripoff site. Maybe it came first, I don't know/care.

Goatse.cx - While this is a safe link right now, it's generally a bad idea to ever click this link. Ever. It's for sale, too.

According to Wikipedia, there are only 9 in total (including the above two).

With the advent of new, public codes, I can envision a new era of domain name jokes. For example, if a ".yourself" domain was added (for sites about you) the possibilies would be clever and endless:

go.fuck.yourself
go.hang.yourself
go.kill.yourself
go.murder.yourself
go.playwith.yourself/nerd

Hahaha.

In what can only be described as an act of pure genius, a convicted rapist in Ireland who received a suspended sentence, is now going to serve his conviction.

So what did he do to breach his suspended sentence and be sent to jail? Reports Ireland.com:

"After hearing evidence from both Keane and Ms Shannon and members of their families, he found that Keane had "flicked a cigarette at or in the direction of" his victim at Ennis railway station on the evening of March 12th last."

Idiot.

Now, flicking a cigarette "in the direction" of your victim might not sound like much, but let's review key facts:

• The man is a rapist
• The man raped the woman in her sleep (wuss!)
• The man is Irish
• The man smokes
• The man takes the train (wimp!)
• He flicked it in front of his mother (haha, yeah)
• He's from 'Barnageeha, Daragh, Co Clare'

Strap him to the chair!

In related news, Ireland's rapists are from places named using first names:

"24-year-old James Cronin from Kerry is already serving an eight-year sentence for the rape and false imprisonment of another young woman he also met outside a Killarney disco."

Jesus Christ. Spot the incompetent writing!

"US Senate holds key to Iraq showdown"

Ugh.

"The top Democrat in the US Senate Friday staked out the next tussle between Congress and the White House over Iraq, arguing that political sands were shifting against President George W. Bush."

Why.

"In the latest twist of a fierce political joust for control of the war, the House of Representatives voted 221 to 205 late Thursday to release 43 billion dollars (32 billion euros) in emergency war funds."

That's not so bad.

"The measure would handcuff Bush by requiring him to show progress in Iraq in July before he can collect another 53 billion dollars in financing."

Okay I'm done.

I'm madder than a hatter on this pissing contest that is journalism and, uh, this doesn't float my boat. Expressions are hard to do, dammit!

Space.com is reporting that NASA is finally, FINALLY, holding its moon dirt digging contest:

"The contest, NASA's 2007 Regolith Excavation Challenge, will pit the autonomous robots against one another to determine which can move the most mock lunar dirt - or regolith - in 30 minutes at the Santa Maria Fairpark in Santa Maria, California."

They have a word for lunar dirt? Now that is news!

Seriously, NASA, shape up. Launch some things into space already. This is why your funding keeps getting cut.

Buncha' Nerds.