Soosed News Patrol

Them gays have sued eHarmony for excluding them from registering and searching out same-sex relationships.

"Lawyers bringing the action said they believed it was the first lawsuit of its kind against eHarmony, which has long rankled the gay community with its failure to offer a "men seeking men" or "women seeking women" option."

eHarmony defended itself:

"The research that eHarmony has developed, through years of research, to match couples has been based on traits and personality patterns of successful heterosexual marriages," it said in a statement.

Ignoring the technical ignorance here, I imagine gays want everyone to be allowed to do everything. Right. RIGHT?

IS MY SWEEPING GENERALIZATION TRUE...?

In a Montreal gay bar, a woman was refused service because she was a woman (how dare she). A bunch of women staged a protest (got tanked) at the bar.

"About a dozen women walked into Montreal's Bar Le Stud on Thursday in support of Audrey Vachon, who was turned away from the establishment for being female."

This prompted some brilliant commentary.

"We need our place," Jean-Marc Cardinal, a gay man who works next to the bar, told CTV Montreal. "Like women have their gyms, places were guys are not allowed."

Dear Gays,

Either you hate everyone, like jews and blacks do.

Or you pretend to love everyone, like chlamydia. Or God.

None of this excluding people when it's convenient stuff.

Love always,

A software company has created a game that helps kids fight cancer. Literally. Well... video game literally.

"Cigna Corp. said on Wednesday it will offer HopeLab's "Re-Mission" video game, which lets teens and young adults blast cancer while learning how to improve the odds of beating the disease, free of charge on its Web site."

How exactly can a gamer fight cancer?

"...nanobot named Roxxi who roams inside the bodies of fictional cancer patients, destroying cancer cells, battling bacterial infections and managing side effects associated with cancer and cancer treatments."

This game has real benefits other than violence towards cells

"Preliminary study results suggested that playing the video game increased quality of life and cancer-related knowledge.

The "Re-Mission" players also maintained levels of chemotherapy in their blood and showed higher rates of antibiotic use than those in the control group, indicating that the game helped patients stick to cancer therapy regimens."

You can get the game on their web site: http://www.re-mission.net/. Unless you're in the control group. Then you're out of luck. And dying of cancer.

Following this, the design team will continue to fight issues facing kids.

"Next on HopeLab's list: obesity."

I've obtained a secret screenshot from the obesity fighting game:

Bush has finally caught the bug, and I don't mean the one that makes him dance uncontrollably. He's all about the AIDS!

"President Bush urged Congress on Wednesday to authorize an additional $30 billion to fight AIDS in Africa over five years, doubling the current U.S. commitment."

The USA is the nicest country on earth.

The president said. "Once again, the generosity of the American people is one of the great untold stories of our time."

The president is a humble man.

He's also deporting sending his wife to Africa.

"Bush also announced that his wife, Laura, will visit four African countries — Zambia, Mali, Mozambique and Senegal — that have benefited from the U.S. program and report back to him on her findings."

"Honey, guess where you're going!"
"Where?"
"A place where their life expectancy is half your age. Merry Christmas!"

Ever wanted to eat meals and put your feet up on your computer? Microsoft has finally released a product to do just that.

"Microsoft Surface, which has a 30-inch display under a hard-plastic tabletop, allows people to touch and move objects on screen for everything from digital finger painting and jigsaw puzzles to ordering off a virtual menu in a restaurant."

You can also stack shit on it.

"The company is selling the Surface for between $5,000 and $10,000 each, but aims to bring prices down to consumer levels in three to five years and introduce various shapes and forms."

I'd love to see some new shapes, such as 'Dining Room Table' or 'Chair'. I can't tell you how long I've been waiting for electronic furniture.

It also has a bunch of other features like automatic item detection or multiple users or some groundbreaking something. I'm pretty sure it doesn't do anything my coffee table doesn't already do.

Yahoo/Reuters is reporting that female cheetahs are a bunch of wiley skanks (or something like that) :

"For female cheetahs in the Serengeti, the call of the wild is just too hard to resist as new research shows nearly half of their litters are made up of cubs with different fathers."

So if you're a male cheetah, you're getting a lot of action from the females:

"This research shows that more of the male cheetah population are contributing to the next generation than we had expected," said Sarah Durant, leader of the Serengeti Cheetah Project since 1991.

Cheetor approves.

In case you didn't know China is on a mission:

"A Chinese campaign to clean up online pornography has reached college campuses with the Education Ministry lashing out at some school Web sites for making money from porn.

"We strongly condemn Web site hosts for making 'unlawful' money by distributing pornographic information," Vice-Minister of Education Li Weihong was quoted as saying."

I would think China would have more pressing issues, like the 1,100,000 people that die annually from smoking, including second hand.

Minor issues such as having 350 million smokers are being ignored for the greater good:

"The campaign hopes to purge the web of sexually explicit images, stories and audio and video clips"

Good luck with that. Here is a pornographic story that the Chinese will never get their dirty hands on:

Man: "May I penetrate you?"
Woman: "Yes."

And so they did.

Suck it, China.

Two diabetic teens from Kansas created a comic book about diabetes. It's really hard to write this because of my overwhelming urge to scream "NERDS" every few seconds. Yahoo/AP can describe the story for me:

"The comic books tell the stories of children who learn they have diabetes and find themselves visited by Dr. Diabetes. But his wicked intentions are foiled by the heroes of the comics, Omega Boy and later, Mighty Boy."

Super. Two kids have diabetes and want to educate others through a friendly medium. Sounds pretty good, right? Right. Wait, wrong!

Enter hilarious-land:

I think these kids should forget about diabetes and get tested for cerebral palsy. Or blindness.

The comics are being sold online at this website which has a cutting edge design right out of 1997, complete with blinking text and a starry background. Please click that link, it's a comic book line run by their father, who apparently also suffers from some disease where the symptom is making hilarious comic books.

"These titles are a unique mix of fantasy and strong reality-based issues that appeal to a cross-section of fans. Whereas young people enjoy the colorful graphics and fantasy elements, the older readers appreciate the stories dealing with issues including drugs, crime, and HIV, issues that are not traditionally covered in mainstream comic books."

I can't get my wallet out fast enough!

For a sample of his awesome work:

This comic book is probably set on the fictional homo-erotic island!

Turning back to the two teens, this is their myspace profile.

Can you guess what show they're fans of?

From the Yahoo article:

"Kamaal and Malcolm — who count the Japanese anime series Naruto [NEEEEEERRRRRDDDDDDSSSSS] among their biggest influences — want to create their own animated series and perhaps produce a movie."

"It will always have action and be fun to look at, but it will also be educational," Kamaal says. "We always want to have a message."

Their message: Major diseases don't affect people with talent.

Ireland has proven once again why they sit at the special table in the international cafeteria. This time their medical community is showing how smart and sober they are:

"A paramedic is in a stable condition in hospital after falling from the side door of a moving ambulance in Co Kerry, the Health Service Executive confirmed today."

ROAD TRIP!

Good news, though:

“The patient who was in the ambulance at the time, did not fall out of the vehicle, but remained on the stretcher inside the ambulance,” said a HSE spokesman.

That's good. Ireland has now improved its medical facilities to include keeping patients from falling out of ambulances. Now all they have to do is figure out how to park the damn thing because ITS HARdWHEN UR DURUNK.

In more incredibly uninteresting NASA news, some guy got a cut in his glove. Stop the presses:

"NASA is incorporating changes to its spacewalk procedures after a small cut to the glove of an astronaut was discovered after an International Space Station (ISS) assembly mission last December."

These incredibly drastic changes include such amazing new steps such as:

NASA is "going to start asking the spacewalkers to do regular visual checks of their gloves and look for holes"

High tech!

"NASA has also passed along information pertaining to the accident to the Russian Space Agency, whose cosmonauts are scheduled to perform a spacewalk next week."

US to Russia! US to Russia! Check your spacesuits for holes before going on a spacewalk!

I don't think i'll get over how awesomely cool space is! They have such great new technology, such as really super-tough materials that they make space-suits out of:

"It's a real strong material," Dean told SPACE.com. "You probably couldn't cut through it with most scissors."

That's reassuring.

Isn't space material supposed to be hardcore?

Good press: "A force-5 hurricane couldn't damage this suit"

Bad press: "Don't go near any kitchen drawers in this suit".

Livescience.com is reporting that infants possess intellectual abilities that older people do not:

"Soon after birth, infants are keen and sophisticated generalists, capable of seeing details in the world that are visible to some other animals but invisible to adults, older children and even slightly older infants."

What magical abilities do babies have?

• At a few days old, infants can pick out their native tongue from a foreign one.
• At 4 or 5 months, infants can lip read, matching faces on silent videos to "ee" and "ah" sounds.
• Infants can recognize the consonants and vowels of all languages on Earth, and they can hear the difference between foreign language sounds that elude most adults.
• Infants in their first six months can tell the difference between two monkey faces that an older person would say are identical, and they can match calls that monkeys make with pictures of their faces.
• Infants are rhythm experts, capable of differentiating between the beats of their culture and another.

Damn, I wish I could recognize all consonants and vowels on earth. It'll come in handy when my grandmother is yelling at me in Urdu, I can be all "Ah yes, I recognize that consonant in your tone. Take your pills." She's crazy.

Sadly, most babies don't hold on to these wonderful abilities for long:

"In fact, all the skills outlined above decline somewhere around the time infants pass the 6-month mark and learn to ignore information that bears little on their immediate environment."

Really, you could say kids who are older than the 6-month mark may be completely retarded:

"A three-year-old boy died Saturday after having his head lodged in a car window"

He was way too young to be driving. Tragic.