Soosed News Patrol

Normally I don't go after articles that are pretty much jokes already, but this is too good:

"Using a single crystal of silicon-28 grown by Russian and German scientists over three years, a team of Sydney scientists and engineers will grind and polish two silvery balls, each weighing precisely one kilogram. They will be the earth's roundest spheres, crafted by Australian scientists as part of an international hunt to find a new global standard kilogram."

I imagine there is an immense amount of prestige associated with creating the perfect ball. This is a story these scientists can tell to their grandchildren.

"And while those other fools were off researching diseases, I made the greatest ball ever known to mankind. True story."
"That's great, grandpa"

Instead of spending time on making a ball, maybe these people could work on something more important? I WANT MY PAPER COMPUTER NOW, DAMMIT!

A 14 year-old in Ireland has been charged with raping two 10 year-old girls. It's getting to the point I don't have to specify Ireland because we already know where this stuff happens.

"A 14-year-old boy has been charged at Belfast Youth Court with raping two 10-year-old girls. The boy, who cannot be named because of his age, was also charged with committing an act of gross indecency against one of the girls."

The boy's mother offered up the greatest excuse for rape I think I've ever come across.

"The boy's mother told the court that he had been diagnosed as suffering from attention deficit disorder and was on a course of treatment to deal with it."

At least claim your son has a serious problem, like dementia, pschyzophrenia or a terrible rash. ADD isn't probably going to help the case.

Still, I'd hate to see this kid's homework.

9 - (2x + 4) = 5x - 7
7 + 9 -2x - 4 = 5x
12 + RAPE = 7x
RAPE = 7RAPE
RAPE NOW

A small community in Arizona is dealing with problems stemming from a genetic disorder known as fumarase deficiency. You might ask, what has caused this problem? Why, it's because they're all inbred freaks!

"The twin border communities of Hildale, Utah, and Colorado City, Arizona, have the world's highest known prevalence of fumarase deficiency, an enzyme irregularity that causes severe mental retardation brought on by cousin marriage, doctors say."

Way to go Arizona. In addition, Arizona is world renowned for their ability to marry their cousins.

"Arizona has about half the world's population of known fumarase deficiency patients," said Dr. Theodore Tarby, a pediatric neurologist who has treated many of the children at Arizona clinics under contracts with the state.'

HALF? That's quite an achievement. Maybe next they can go for the "Most sand eaten at once" and "World's hottest cactus" awards. Those have to be at least twice as prestigious as having the most inbred mutants in the world.

Finally, a train accident involving teenagers we can laugh about. Four teenagers in Texas were killed, and another seriously injured when their stolen car hit a train. A train that wasn't moving.

"Six teenagers in a stolen car slammed into a freight train parked at a railroad crossing early Thursday, killing four of them and leaving another in critical condition, authorities said. Authorities believe the 15-year-old driver didn't see the train until it was too late. The intersection was dark and didn't have a crossing gate or lights."

It also had a freight train sitting in the middle of it.

The driver, who survived and is in critical condition, is going to be pretty pissed off if he recovers. Not only did he kill four of his friends, his joyride was foiled by a large stationary vehicle. It's going to be tough for him to get insurance.

"I see you've hit a train previously?"
"Yes. That's correct."
"...And four of your passengers perished?"
"Yes, very tragic."
"...And the train wasn't moving?"
"No, not at the time of the accident."
"I see... do you own a bicycle?"

Just kidding, you don't need car insurance in prison.

It turns out there is something older than that weird grandmother you never really talk to. In fact, there is something much much older than her. And she's pretty old, let me tell you.

Whale hunters in Alaska have killed a whale that eluded similar whale hunters over 100 years ago.

"A 50-ton bowhead whale caught off the Alaskan coast last month had a weapon fragment embedded in its neck that showed it survived a similar hunt -- more than a century ago. Embedded deep under its blubber was a 3 ½-inch arrow-shaped projectile that has given researchers insight into the whale's age, estimated between 115 and 130 years old."

When I read into it further (and by that I mean clicking links and having someone else summarize it for me) I found out that scientists are also pretty sure they've seen a 211 year-old whale. They used some eye-testing technology to figure it out.

"[Some guy] is a geochemist who uses a method of determining the age of living things by studying changes in levels of aspartic acid, an amino acid found in the eye lens and teeth."

I wonder what it feels like to kill a whale that's been around for a couple hundred years. I bet it feels great, kind of like waiting for someone who saved up all their life to buy a house and then burning it down right in front of them. And then punching them in the head. Except instead of a house it's a whale. And instead of a guy it's a harpoon. Or something like that...

Fuck it, I give up.

Have you heard about the new drama in space? You know, the space shuttle has a problem with its thermal blanket/pod/tiles/thing/fin? Is the news that boring that you would read about this?

Well, fear no more space people, you are going to fix the ticket to your survival with a sewing kit. Oh yes.

"Atlantis astronauts may use a sewing kit normally reserved for spacesuits to repair a peeled-back thermal blanket near the spacecraft's tail"

How exciting.

This isn't anywhere near as boring as I was predicting.
I mean, installing solar panels is one thing, but repairing a heat blanket that may or may not have any relevant impact on the shuttle is just totally excillerating.

I guess we can only dream for a day when the space shuttle is taking pictures of small aliens and then they attack the Russians and Johnny Deppe is there and he says something funny about life. Then there is an explosion and, uh, Will Smith does something comical. I can't wait.

Remember that Irish rapist who got let off with a suspended sentence and no jail time? Remember how he flicked a cigarette at his victim (in front of his mom) and then got sent back to jail?

Well, the news coverage he received for the whole being an idiot thing hasn't helped. It turns out people aren't too happy he was given a suspended sentence in the first place, let alone that he only has to serve three years in prison now that he's back in.

"The Director of Public Prosecutions has appealed the three years in jail insisting it is unduly lenient."

Apparently there is something wrong with raping a deaf woman in her sleep.

In other news, the media in Ireland uses the term "high on drink". What the hell is wrong with them:

"The 20-year-old was high on drink and ecstasy and got into the home through the open back door."

Ireland appears to have just written drinking songs about current events, not actual news.

I'm not entirely sure what to make of this, so let's summarize:

• Kid, 10, dying of liver cancer
• Gets a last wish

"He wanted one last adventure; he wanted to go bear hunting."

I would have wished for a new liver, but to each their own.

"Two weeks ago, Safari Club International made that last wish possible. In the thick Canadian woods, Kerr killed his bear."

Actually, when I really think hard about it, this kid has the right idea. In the endless struggle between man and nature, the kid levelled the score. Nature was taking him out with cancer, so before he died he decided to take out some nature. He is actually a modern day hero.

Oh yeah, the kid died right after he killed the bear. Fucking nature.

Best known for their iconic and otherwise pretty ridiculous song Love Shack, The B-52s have somehow tricked a record company into letting them have another album.

"Rockers THE B-52S are putting the finishing touches to their first album in 15 years, despite promising they would never enter a recording studio again."

I knew a promise wouldn't keep them away. They needed a restraining order. What's next, a Spice Girls reunion?

"There are also new claims that the Spice Girls will play six huge gigs at the end of 2007, in London, Tokyo and Las Vegas"

Oh God. Why.

It wasn't a rock.
It was a Rock Lobster

Last week, a patient undergoing surgery for damage he caused while sleeping on his knees (worst hooker ever) started bleeding green blood.

"Doctors at Vancouver's St. Paul's Hospital came across something highly illogical when they tried to put an arterial line into a patient about to undergo surgery: his blood was dark green."

Let the Spock jokes fly.

While we're at it, why don't we just make the article have a picture of Spock and devote a couple paragraphs to him.

"Vulcans have green blood because the oxidizing agent in their blood is copper, and not iron."

The patient must be real happy. First he has his hemoglobin seperate and now the article about him ends up being about a fictional 60s TV character.

"Mr. Spock, the Enterprise's science officer in the famous TV series, was said to have the green blood of his father, who belonged to the race of pointy-eared, logic-seeking Vulcans."