Soosed News Patrol

On Thursday, a 13 year-old girl who was on the Superman ride at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom had her feet completely severed.

The girl's feet were completely amputated just below the ankle Thursday afternoon while riding the Superman Tower of Power at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom in Louisville. A police dispatcher said a cord wrapped around the girl's feet while she was on the ride. "I seen the car go up. Then, like, the cable broke ... and I heard a lot of people screaming," Chris Stinnett, who was at a ride next to the Tower of Power, told CNN affiliate WDRB/WMYO-TV in Louisville. "The cable went under the car -- and I seen it pull up and hit a lot of people -- and I seen them bring their legs up," he said

It wasn't even a clean sever of the feet, it appears. It sounds more like the cord wrapped around and tore her feet off. Remind me to never go near large cords ever again.

However terrifying this incident is, the girl is now in hospital receiving surgery to (hopefully) reattach her feet.

I guess the only reassuring thing is that at least this didn't happen in Japan, where they don't perform regular maintenance on their roller coasters. Having your feet severed by a giant cord may just be slightly better than have your face smashed into a guard rail!

New developments in the Jessie Davis case have revealed a startling discovery: Canine units sniffed out some marijuana plants. They still haven't found any sign of Jessie Davis, but sure shootin' they found some weed!

"Search dogs hit on one area of freshly dug dirt Thursday more than a mile from her home in nearby Lake Township, but it turned out to be a marijuana plot, Stark County sheriff's Capt. Gary Shankle said. "It's very frustrating, but we just can't leave any stone unturned," he said."

Later, after the plans had been checked into evidence, Shankle reported "Yeah, uuhhh, maan, Jessie? Yeah, we'll find her, but like, isn't she in like all of our souls? You know man, I think I love Jessie. Yeaaaaaah, I'm not frustrated anymore."

Also, Jessie's mom is praying for Bobby Cutts Jr., the guy who isn't a suspect but really is. Not praying for him, per se, but praying he didn't do it. Maybe she should be praying that Jessie is fine and that she accidentally wandered into a well. Not a well like in Silence of the Lambs, but one of those luxury vacation wells. Positive thinking!

Related:

Bobby Cutts Jr. isn't a suspect, wink wink
Creepy child story gets weirder
Children say the creepiest things

The United States has announced it has set a trap for the insurgency in Iraq. Much like wild rabbits, the insurgents will soon all be hunted and trapped, then cooked into a very large stew. Wait, I don't think I read that right...

"The latest offensives, which began in the past week, follow the build-up of U.S. military forces in Iraq to 156,000 soldiers and aim to deny militants sanctuary in the farmlands and towns surrounding Baghdad. "If you've got it properly cordoned then they're going to flee into somebody's arms. It's a trap," U.S. military spokesman Rear Admiral Mark Fox said."

While it may seem bizarre that they are announcing this to the world (unless insurgents don't have computers, TVs or Radios), it is actually a clever ploy. The trap doesn't really exist, in fact the real trap is that the militants will think they are walking into a trap and will just stay at home. When the world sees violence go down and Iraq's Xbox Live subscriptions go up, you'll know I was right.

Of course, I just spoiled the military's secret plans, so I'll be in hiding for a few years. If anyone asks, just say I'm attempting to break a world record for most time spent judging a beauty contest and I can't be contacted for any reason. That'll throw them off.

In our third instalment on missing white women news, Bobby Cutts Jr, alleged father of Jessie Davis' kids, is still not a suspect. Unless of course you consider a suspect someone who gets his house repeatedly searched and has property seized. That happens to everyone, right?

"Authorities have now searched the Cutts home a total of three times, at least once with with Canine units. Renee Horne, Cutts' mom, told the paper that the agents served a search warrant signed by Stark County Common Pleas Judge Richard Reinbold at around 3:30 p.m. Horne said that agents took his two cell phones with them."

Definitely not a suspect. Not that I would understand why someone that became a cop while he was on probation would be a suspect, even if he doesn't have an alibi. That's just unjust.

In conclusion, Jessie Davis is still missing and now there are 1000 people looking for her. That found baby may or may not be hers, but we won't know until the end of the week. I don't know why it's taking so long with the DNA comparisons, they should have that information by now. I watch CSI, I know what I'm talking about.

Related:

Children say the creepiest things
Creepy child story gets weirder

A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine has reported that in the United States, sand holes are more dangerous than sharks. Not that sharks were killing all that many people to begin with, with 12 recorded fatalities in the last 17 years, but you just can't have a study on sand holes without mentioning sharks.

The study warns of the often underreported threat of sand holes and that most victims are young children.

"Since 1985, at least 20 children and young adults in the United States have died in beach or backyard sand submersions. The victims, mostly boys, ranged in age from 3 to 21 years, with the average age about 12."

While anyone would agree that being buried under mounds of sand is a life-threatening situation, on a national level it hardly merits any recognition. In fact, when compared to the threat of sand holes, practically anything else is more dangerous. You are probably more likely to be killed in a car accident on the way to digging a sand hole, or skin cancer from digging the hole in the sun, than you are to be killed in the hole itself.

The mother of a teenager, Matthew Gauruder, that died in 2001 from a sand hole accident is losing her mind:

"Mavis Gauruder, who lives in Fort Mill, South Carolina, said she's tried to issue similar warnings, like the time she came upon a father digging a hole with a garden shovel for his young son. She went up to the pair and warned them of the dangers. The man seemed unmoved, so she finally told him she'd had a tragedy in her family involving a hole collapse. "I asked them to fill in the hole. They did, but they looked at me like I was interfering," she said."

That's because you were interfering, you nutcase.

It's sad what happened to her son, but she shouldn't irritate other people because she's gone crazy. In addition, I imagine she didn't take into account that she was likely walking on a sidewalk. While some might not see the inherant danger, more people are killed per year while walking on sidewalks than are killed in sand holes. She probably drives a car, too. I'm not even going to get started on how many people those things kill.

Nothing says "we deserve to be free" like kicking an innocent man to death during a Juneteenth celebration. Reports the AP,

"An angry crowd beat a man to death after a vehicle he was riding in struck and injured a young girl, police said Wednesday. The driver had stopped to check on the little girl at the entrance to an apartment complex when a group of men attacked him, authorities said. The passenger, David Rivas Morales, 40, got out to try to help the driver, but the crowd turned on him, said police Commander Harold Piatt. Morales was beaten to death by as many as 20 men and left lying in a parking lot. The little girl, 3 or 4 years old, was taken to a hospital with non-life threatening injuries."

Maybe this is a Texas thing, after all this is the state where parked trains are effective crime stoppers. This is probably just Texas' brand of ironic humor. They take comedy so seriously in Texas that people die. David Rivas Morales' family should take consolation that he died while participating in the greatest ironic comedy display this side of the Mississippi!

Yesterday the SNP posted about a creepy 2 year-old kid who said something straight from a horror movie about his missing mother. Recap:

"Mommy was crying. Mommy broke the table. Mommy's in the rug."

Today, while Jessie Davis continues to be missing, the AP is reporting a baby was left on the doorstop of a home 45 miles away from Davis'. Did I mention that Davis was 9 months pregnant when she disappeared?

Thomas Maurer, sheriff in neighboring Wayne County, said the baby was less than 24 hours old. A couple arriving home from dinner Monday night discovered the newborn on the porch of their rural home south of Wooster, Maurer said.

The father of the two year old, who is a police officer, is not considered a suspect. He is also a charming individual, and by charming, I mean "how the hell is he a cop?"

"The father of Davis' son and unborn girl is Canton police patrolman Bobby Cutts Jr. In 1998, he was sentenced to three years probation for disorderly conduct after a former girlfriend accused him of breaking a door jam and forcing his way into their home, causing her to fear for her safety, according to a police report from nearby Jackson Township. About two years after his conviction in the disorderly conduct case, Cutts was hired by the Canton Police Department."

How desperate was that police force? I don't have a picture of their cruisers, but I bet they have this on the side:

"Canton Police: To Protect and Serve Our Time"

A prosecutor in Italy is investigating whether or not to bring charges against the filmmakers of the Da Vinci Code, which was released over a year ago.

"Earlier this year, a complaint against the film was filed by a group of clergy near the Italian village of Civitavecchia, where the state prosecutor's office said it would open a criminal investigation into the film. The development comes as [Ron] Howard is beginning preproduction work here on "Angels and Demons," the highly awaited sequel to "Da Vinci," also authored by Brown."

People v. Da Vinci Code will be a landmark case, almost as important as last year's Dog v. Blender.

I think I've seen more important cases on Court TV at 2 in the afternoon. Like that one time, this lady, right, she totally broke this dude's garage door opener and then she wouldn't fix it because he was opening her mail WITHOUT HER PERMISSION. Then the judge totally awarded the dude like $40 to fix it, and the woman was all "Oh no you did not just do that"

I think Italy has a thing or two to learn from Hamas about offensive entertainment. Like when Hamas had that show about murdering the jews

A 9-months pregnant woman, Jessie Davis, is missing from her home in Ohio, reports the Associated Press.

"[Her mother] said that when she didn't hear from her daughter Thursday, she went to Davis' home near this northeast Ohio city and found her grandson, Blake, wearing a dirty diaper. The mattress in Davis' bedroom was partially off the bed, a night stand and lamp had been knocked over and bleach had been poured on the bedroom floor, Porter said."

And then her two year-old son said the creepiest thing:

"Mommy was crying. Mommy broke the table. Mommy's in the rug."

I hope, sincerely hope, he is just practising for his upcoming audition for the next Children of the Corn instalment.

And yes, I realize given the situation that the above picture may be in bad taste, but seriously, who can look at a picture of a child in corn and not laugh. Visual puns help get us all through tough times. And help us harvest corn. CORN.

Police all over the world, lead by British forces, have taken out a massive pedophile ring. Helping the investigation were police from over 35 countries, careful surveillance and a substantial helping of stupid pedophiles.

"British police, with aid from U.S. investigators, have shattered a global Internet pedophile ring, rescuing 31 children and rounding up more than 700 suspects worldwide, authorities said Monday."

The truly magnificent part of this is how it all transpired. While the authorities are obviously attempting to credit themselves with their hard work, some credit is deserved by the pedophiles who basically caught themselves.

First we have the pedophile chat room:

"The ring was traced to an Internet chat room called "Kids the Light of Our Lives" that featured images of children being subjected to horrific sexual abuse - including streaming live videos."

Then their leader is arrested, impersonated, chat room shut down:

"After Cox's arrest on Sept. 28, 2006, British, Canadian and Australian authorities were able to infiltrate the chat room and collect evidence on the other members. Officers posed as contributors and even pretended to be Cox, running the chat room for 10 days."

Then their second in command starts the chat room again:

"A man described as Cox's lieutenant, Gordon Mackintosh, tried to resurrect the chat room in January."

He gets arrested (surprise!), impersonated:

"Upon Mackintosh's arrest in January, authorities assumed his identity online and ran the chat room for three days while collecting information on offenders who traded images."

Everyone else gets arrested and all win awards for brilliance.