Soosed News Patrol

A bomb scare occurred early Friday morning when an ambulance crew spotted smoke coming from a car parked in front of a busy night club.

"The events unfolded when an ambulance crew - responding to a call just before 1:30 a.m. about a person who had fallen at a Haymarket nightclub - noticed smoke coming from a car parked in front of the building, Clarke said. The crew alerted police, and a bomb squad manually disabled the device, Clarke said. Photographs of the metallic green Mercedes show a canister bearing the words "patio gas," indicating it was propane, next to the car. The back door was open with blankets spilling out. The car was removed from the scene after a bomb squad disabled the explosives."

While no conclusive link has been found to terrorism in this case, rest assured there will be. When I think of a car-bomb filled with gasoline, propane and nails, I tend to think terrorists. Or a nail salesman trying out a new viral marketing strategy. My money is on terrorists. Although nail salesman...

Two people need to be located in this case:

• The person who parked a car out front a nightclub and failed to detonate it, but succeeded at making it generate smoke. Rest assured, however, this person isn't very dangerous. If you have a car full of gas, how do you make it smoke and not explode?
• The bomb-squad member who walked towards a smoking car filled with gasoline and nails. That takes some balls, buy that guy a drink.

Update: Another car has been found with bomb materials in London. They don't know much right now, except that now they are looking for more than one really stupid terrorist.

A horrible accident has claimed the lives of five Rochester teenagers just one week after they had graduated from high school.

"A fiery head-on collision killed five women in a sport utility vehicle less than a week after they graduated from a high school in a Rochester suburb, the principal said Wednesday. Their Chevrolet Trail Blazer had just passed a vehicle late Tuesday when it swerved back across the two-lane road into oncoming traffic and hit a tractor-trailer, the Ontario County Sheriff's Office said. Both vehicles caught fire. The crash knocked down utility lines and cut phone service in the western half of Ontario County. The truck driver wasn't injured."

To make matters worse, four of them were cheerleaders! One of them wasn't, but the news doesn't particularly care about her.

"Fairport High School Principal David Paddock said four of the women were members of the cheerleading squad -- Bailey Goodman, Hannah Congdon, Meredith McClure and Sara Monnat -- and he identified the fifth as Katie Shirley."

When I die in a tragic accident, I hope I get mentioned in a news article for what I wasn't.

"Here lies John Smith, he wasn't a football player, and he was not a baseball player. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."

This is essentially a way for the news to point out which of the girls were pretty and had athletic bodies, as if it somehow mattered. I think when a suicide bomber kills hundreds of people in Iraq reporters should sift through the charred bodies and let us all know what they find.

"78 people were killed in a market bombing today in central Baghdad, but only 13 of them appeared to be attractive women. Better luck next time, Al Queda."

*The picture above-left is unrelated to this story. Remember to turn on the adult filter on an image search if you want pictures of cheerleaders in their uniforms. Otherwise... uh...

I don't even know if this is news, but hey, if Paris Hilton getting out of jail is news then so is this. I'm not even going to link to a story about her because I'm not sure why any stories get written about her at all. Anyway, it turns out that there is an extremely loose connection between the recent murder-suicide involving wrestler Chris Benoit and the accused murderer or Jessie Davis, Bobby Cutts Jr. The connection is Cutts' former girlfriend, Nikki Giavasis.

'Giavasis has been everywhere -- "Today," "Good Morning America," CNN, MSNBC -- portraying Cutts, her former boyfriend and baby daddy, as "aggressive" and "threatening" -- and testifying to his potential to be a murderer. Here's the crazy link: Giavasis was also featured in Wrestlemania XX, the WWE showcase that was won by none other than Benoit. Nikki was part of the WWE "Hot Team."'

Stop. The. Presses.

The only real news that's important here is the pathetic amount of background work the Canton, Ohio police department did before making Bobby Cutts Jr. a police officer. I mean, come on, he was on parole when they hired him. OJ Simpson would make a better cop than this guy.

In Tehran, Iran's capital, new restrictions on the purchasing of gasoline have been implemented. This is news because in response to these restrictions, Iranians have followed the only logical course and burned some stations.

"Iranians smashed shop windows and set fire to a dozen gas stations in the capital Wednesday, angered by the sudden start of a fuel rationing system that threatens to further increase the unpopularity of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad."

It all started when the night before the restriction began. People lined up at gas stations to get the last bits of unrestricted fuel. When some gas stations shut down to recalibrate their pumps, the violence started. Essentially, people wanted cheap gas, but instead settled for burning down their only means of getting it.

"Drivers attacked some stations after managers stopped selling fuel before midnight, saying they had to recalibrate their pumps for rationing. "This made people who were waiting in line angry, so they attacked the pumps," said a witness, Rasoul Enayati. Fire Department spokesman Behrouz Tashakkor said 12 stations in Tehran were set on fire."

The main surprise I have from all this is how they managed to set 17 gas stations on fire and not have them explode. Setting a gas station on fire is about as dumb as finding an exposed tank and jumping all over it. Not that anyone would ever do that, of course.

As many people have heard Chris Benoit is dead along with his family. It appears to be a murder suicide in which his wife and 7 year-old son were killed. There was no update yesterday from SNP because at the time it wasn't exactly a funny situation.

'Pro wrestler Chris Benoit strangled his wife, suffocated his 7-year-old son and placed a Bible next to their bodies before hanging himself with a weight-machine pulley, authorities said Tuesday. Investigators found anabolic steroids in the house and want to know whether the muscle man nicknamed "The Canadian Crippler" was unhinged by the bodybuilding drugs, which can cause paranoia, depression and explosive outbursts known as "roid rage."'

Well, it's still not funny.

Unless they find out he was dressed in a clown suit and he killed his family with a pink novelty noose, I don't think this is going to become funny. And even then, clown suits just aren't hilarious anymore.

Yeah...

On Friday, the SNP reported on a girl who had her feet severed on the Superman ride at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. Reports today have confirmed that she is in stable condition, although the status of her feet are unknown.

"Kaitlyn Lasitter, whose name had not previously been released by officials, was riding the Superman Tower of Power ride Thursday at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom in Louisville when a cable broke loose on the ride, cutting off the girl's feet above the ankles, authorities said. Authorities and the hospital have declined to say whether her feet were reattached."

As morbid as I guess it is, I think we all want to know the status of her feet. It's one thing to get your feet cut off by a ride, but if they can be reattached then it shows humans are the greatest beings on the planet. Much better than those damn sharks that can reproduce whenever they want.

I haven't cared this much about feet since Gucci released those designer boots that can walk on water. I'm not really supposed to talk about that, though...

If you were following shark-related news last month (and who wasn't?) you'd know about the hammerhead shark that spontaneously reproduced. And not in the fun "cool, there are two half-sharks swimming around" way, either. The shark mom gave birth to the shark pup without mating with a male. Feminist shark groups rejoiced.

Moving past that, it looks like the sharks are doing it again.

'He had been examining the shark, Tidbit, to figure out why she reacted badly to routine sedatives during a physical and died, hours after biting an aquarium curator on the shin. Now there was a bigger mystery: How did Tidbit get pregnant? "We must have had hanky panky" in the shark tank, he thought. But sharks only breed with sharks of the same species, and there were no male blacktip reef sharks at the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center in Virginia Beach.'

While it may seem like a bad portent for our future, now that one of the most dangerous animals can reproduce spontaneously, take consolation knowing that they aren't too bright. In fact, they appear to have special genetic programming that makes sure they never get too powerful.

'Since Tidbit hadn't looked pregnant - and there was no reason to think she was pregnant - the pup likely would have been born and immediately eaten by another shark, without aquarium employees ever knowing it had existed.'

Shark mutants - 0
Asshole sharks - 1

Of course, it's possible that the shark didn't spontaneously reproduce. It's entirely plausible that a male from another species impregnated the mother. That wouldn't be an issue at all, except that crossbreeding has never happened before in sharks.

'"It's not natural," Thomas said. "If you've got a shark that needs to swim to breathe and cross it with a shark that can lay on the bottom to breathe, what are you going to get? Are you going to get these weird mutations?"'

So either sharks can reproduce spontaneously, or sharks can now crossbreed to make mutated super sharks. Forget global warming, we need to get ready to fight sharks. Those things are terrifying.

Jessie Davis is dead, as is her unborn child, and Bobby Cutts Jr. (still not a suspect) has been arrested on two counts of murder. Her body was found yesterday in a park.

"Authorities believe they recovered the body of Jessie Marie Davis, a pregnant Ohio woman missing for 10 days, Saturday, and a police officer with whom Davis had a relationship was arrested in connection with her disappearance, police said. Canton police patrolman Bobby Cutts Jr., 30, was facing two murder counts in the deaths of Davis, 26, and her unborn child, said Rick Perez, chief deputy of the Stark County sheriff's department."

This ends the SNP's weeklong coverage, which started with news on corn, continued with the death of a woman and her unborn child, and ended with the arrest of a man who was likely the father. The exhaustive search also uncovered some pot, too.

If anything positive comes out of this at all, maybe it will be that Canton Ohio's police force might change their hiring policies. They should take "recruit people that are on probation" off their list of strategies.

Related:
SNP's entire coverage of this event