Soosed News Patrol

Do you like chocolate? Do you like not having high blood pressure? If so, you're screwed. It turns out that brutal dirt flavored dark chocolate helps lower blood pressure. Boo.

'According to a study published in today's issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association, eating a small portion of dark chocolate each day can lower your blood pressure without packing on the pounds. That's good news for the 15 per cent of Canadians who have high blood pressure.'

I don't like dark chocolate. Unless it's in cookies or some kind of brownie, it's hell candy. This news is like saying "Cherries cure cancer, but only the rotten ones you find on the sidewalk". I guess you would have to have a sidewalk cherry to know how bad they are, but take it from me, you don't want to. They taste like shoes. And dirt.

If anyone wonders why you shouldn't go on amusement park rides, it's because sometimes they'll tear your feet off. It was just announced that Kaitlyn Lasitter, the girl who had her feet torn off at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, has had one of them reattached.

'Kaitlyn's doctors were able to reattach one of her feet. At this time as Kaitlyn continues her recovery the likelihood for a positive outcome to the surgery remains encouraging. "We have successfully reattached Katie's right lower extremity. We were not able to reattach the left lower extremity due to the severity of the injury. Things are progressing as expected over this first ten days," said Dr. Douglas Weikert, assistant professor of Orthopaedics and Rehabilitation.'

I'm kind of hoping they will reattach the other foot. I mean yeah, a girl's life will be restored, but think of the bar tricks. We can reattach parts after ten days? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

"Hey Jimmy, watch this. Here I'll cut this offajsldfalk;jdh OWW!! Okay! Take this thumb around the world on a vacation. I'll be here when you get back and we'll attach it back to my hand. See you in ten days bitch!"

Sign me up!

Apparently in crazy ol' Japan it's not generally a good thing to promote your country being hit by nuclear bombs. Oddly, it's ever worse if the person saying it is a high-ranking minister in your government. And your leader is facing a vote in four weeks. I have no idea how the Japanese political system works, so I'm just going to assume that's bad. Voting, what's that?

'Four weeks before a crucial parliamentary election that could decide Prime Minister Shinzo Abe’s political fate, his gaffe-prone defense minister was today forced to resign after making comments apparently justifying the United States’ use of atomic bombs against Japan during World War II. In a public appearance on Saturday — the unofficial start of the campaign for the upcoming election — Mr. Kyuma said that dropping the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945 “ended the war,” adding, “I think that it couldn’t be helped.”'

This seems akin to going to a KKK meeting and saying "you know, I think Jews are pretty cool... have you tried matzo balls?"

In other news, the KKK has been pretty successful recently. Of course, I am referring to the Kaana Kaanum Kaalangal. What did you think I meant?

"MUMBAI: Kaana Kaanum Kaalangal; a series on school life, which airs Monday - Thursday at 8pm gave the viewers an alternate viewing breaking the pattern of the melodrama; has created a phenomenon with a huge fan following among the youth and the elderly alike."

Hilarious.

Remember all those times people said not to go swimming in the water treatment plant because the piranhas would rip you to shreds? Well it turns out it's all lies.

'Rather than aggressive killers, research shows piranhas are omnivorous scavengers, eating mainly fish, plants and insects, Anne Magurran of Scotland's University of St Andrews said. "Previously it was thought piranhas shoaled as it enabled them to form a cooperative hunting group. However, we have found that it is primarily a defensive behavior," she said.'

If you need me, I'll be at the water treatment plant. Chilling with the piranhas. This shouldn't go poorly at all.

Apple's iPhone has hit stores after weeks of hype from borderline retarded customers. In the wake of the panic to buy the new gadget, some people have been left out in the cold. Like, one girl:

"Jenny Springfield, a nursing student in Jackson, Miss., 23, said she didn't get her $599 iPhone activated until 11 a.m. Saturday after starting the process at 7 p.m. Friday night. The delay was annoying because AT&T deactivated her old cellphone immediately, leaving her without a cellphone for 16 hours."

Um, excuse me? 16 hours? How dare they?

It's this kind of bad press that can sink a company. 700,000 phones sold in less than a week, but at what cost (other than the $599) did people have to pay? If Jenny Springfield was smart, she'd sue AT&T for 16 hours of free airtime, because honestly, what else would a nursing student be doing between 7p.m. and 11a.m.? I'll tell you what she didn't do: text her nursing classmates. Because they were at my house. Helping out.