Soosed News Patrol

Update - girl won't get her left foot back

Week ago, Kaitlyn Lasitter had her feet cut off by a ride at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. Doctors reattached the right foot while everyone remained hopeful that they could save the left. Kaitlyn has now been released from hospital, and no, they could not save the left foot.

"Doctors at the hospital reattached Lasitter's right foot, according to a family statement released earlier this month. Doctors were unable to save her left foot."

Dag.

This ends the SNP coverage of this event. Stay tuned next week when a 6 year-old gets his toes eaten by a water snake.

Dead cheerleader might have been texting while driving

Two or so weeks ago, four cheerleaders and one not-cheerleader were killed in a horrific accident in New York State. New developments have shown that there were text messages recorded coming from the driver's phone shortly before the crash.

"Text messages were sent back and forth on a 17-year-old girl's cell phone moments before her sport utility vehicle slammed head-on into a truck, killing her and four other recent high school graduates, police said Friday."

If that isn't stupid enough, it turns out she shouldn't have been driving at all.

"Goodman only had a junior driver's license, making it illegal for her to be driving late at night or to be carrying so many young passengers."

I find it hard to believe the girl was actively passing another vehicle, at night, while text messaging someone. She probably gave her phone to someone else in the car. But still.

CEO of largest video game company calls video games boring

Sometimes I feel I don't know anything about the business world, and today is one of those times. I feel like insulting my industry might be a bad idea, but then again, I'm not a rich CEO.

'"We're boring people to death and making games that are harder and harder to play," EA Chief Executive John Riccitiello told the Wall Street Journal in a story posted on its Web site on Sunday.'

Imagine a world ruled by carrot juice. Now imagine the top company is United Carrots. The head of United Carrots one day comes out an says "you know I really think carrots aren't that great." I doubt that would go over too well. Especially to all the people that worked for United Carrots.

I figured carrot juice was a good analogy instead of something related or relevant to the situation. I'm clever like that. I'm going to go play NHL98 now.

Sprint aint taking no guff

Sprint, the US's 3rd largest wireless provider, has decided to cut off service to more than 1000 of their customers. For being annoying.

"Sprint Nextel Corp, which recently launched an advertising campaign to attract new customers, is disconnecting more than 1,000 subscribers for calling its customer service lines too often and making what the company called unreasonable requests."

Oh what is a few annoying calls here and there?

"In some cases they were calling customer care hundreds of times a month for a period of six to 12 months on the same issues"

Sprint apparently has some budding stalkers as well:

"Singleton said some of the cancellations involved customers who repeatedly asked for information about other people's accounts."

Maybe they should be calling the police instead.

Nature is a cruel mistress

Do you like chocolate? Do you like not having high blood pressure? If so, you're screwed. It turns out that brutal dirt flavored dark chocolate helps lower blood pressure. Boo.

'According to a study published in today's issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association, eating a small portion of dark chocolate each day can lower your blood pressure without packing on the pounds. That's good news for the 15 per cent of Canadians who have high blood pressure.'

I don't like dark chocolate. Unless it's in cookies or some kind of brownie, it's hell candy. This news is like saying "Cherries cure cancer, but only the rotten ones you find on the sidewalk". I guess you would have to have a sidewalk cherry to know how bad they are, but take it from me, you don't want to. They taste like shoes. And dirt.

Girl has one foot reattached, new fun brewing

If anyone wonders why you shouldn't go on amusement park rides, it's because sometimes they'll tear your feet off. It was just announced that Kaitlyn Lasitter, the girl who had her feet torn off at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, has had one of them reattached.

'Kaitlyn's doctors were able to reattach one of her feet. At this time as Kaitlyn continues her recovery the likelihood for a positive outcome to the surgery remains encouraging. "We have successfully reattached Katie's right lower extremity. We were not able to reattach the left lower extremity due to the severity of the injury. Things are progressing as expected over this first ten days," said Dr. Douglas Weikert, assistant professor of Orthopaedics and Rehabilitation.'

I'm kind of hoping they will reattach the other foot. I mean yeah, a girl's life will be restored, but think of the bar tricks. We can reattach parts after ten days? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

"Hey Jimmy, watch this. Here I'll cut this offajsldfalk;jdh OWW!! Okay! Take this thumb around the world on a vacation. I'll be here when you get back and we'll attach it back to my hand. See you in ten days bitch!"

Sign me up!

Japanese government minister says Hiroshima was good idea. . . whoops

Apparently in crazy ol' Japan it's not generally a good thing to promote your country being hit by nuclear bombs. Oddly, it's ever worse if the person saying it is a high-ranking minister in your government. And your leader is facing a vote in four weeks. I have no idea how the Japanese political system works, so I'm just going to assume that's bad. Voting, what's that?

'Four weeks before a crucial parliamentary election that could decide Prime Minister Shinzo Abe’s political fate, his gaffe-prone defense minister was today forced to resign after making comments apparently justifying the United States’ use of atomic bombs against Japan during World War II. In a public appearance on Saturday — the unofficial start of the campaign for the upcoming election — Mr. Kyuma said that dropping the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945 “ended the war,” adding, “I think that it couldn’t be helped.”'

This seems akin to going to a KKK meeting and saying "you know, I think Jews are pretty cool... have you tried matzo balls?"

In other news, the KKK has been pretty successful recently. Of course, I am referring to the Kaana Kaanum Kaalangal. What did you think I meant?

"MUMBAI: Kaana Kaanum Kaalangal; a series on school life, which airs Monday - Thursday at 8pm gave the viewers an alternate viewing breaking the pattern of the melodrama; has created a phenomenon with a huge fan following among the youth and the elderly alike."

Hilarious.

Piranhas are total pussies

Remember all those times people said not to go swimming in the water treatment plant because the piranhas would rip you to shreds? Well it turns out it's all lies.

'Rather than aggressive killers, research shows piranhas are omnivorous scavengers, eating mainly fish, plants and insects, Anne Magurran of Scotland's University of St Andrews said. "Previously it was thought piranhas shoaled as it enabled them to form a cooperative hunting group. However, we have found that it is primarily a defensive behavior," she said.'

If you need me, I'll be at the water treatment plant. Chilling with the piranhas. This shouldn't go poorly at all.

Apple's iPhone causes hell

Apple's iPhone has hit stores after weeks of hype from borderline retarded customers. In the wake of the panic to buy the new gadget, some people have been left out in the cold. Like, one girl:

"Jenny Springfield, a nursing student in Jackson, Miss., 23, said she didn't get her $599 iPhone activated until 11 a.m. Saturday after starting the process at 7 p.m. Friday night. The delay was annoying because AT&T deactivated her old cellphone immediately, leaving her without a cellphone for 16 hours."

Um, excuse me? 16 hours? How dare they?

It's this kind of bad press that can sink a company. 700,000 phones sold in less than a week, but at what cost (other than the $599) did people have to pay? If Jenny Springfield was smart, she'd sue AT&T for 16 hours of free airtime, because honestly, what else would a nursing student be doing between 7p.m. and 11a.m.? I'll tell you what she didn't do: text her nursing classmates. Because they were at my house. Helping out.

English terrorists not the best

A bomb scare occurred early Friday morning when an ambulance crew spotted smoke coming from a car parked in front of a busy night club.

"The events unfolded when an ambulance crew - responding to a call just before 1:30 a.m. about a person who had fallen at a Haymarket nightclub - noticed smoke coming from a car parked in front of the building, Clarke said. The crew alerted police, and a bomb squad manually disabled the device, Clarke said. Photographs of the metallic green Mercedes show a canister bearing the words "patio gas," indicating it was propane, next to the car. The back door was open with blankets spilling out. The car was removed from the scene after a bomb squad disabled the explosives."

While no conclusive link has been found to terrorism in this case, rest assured there will be. When I think of a car-bomb filled with gasoline, propane and nails, I tend to think terrorists. Or a nail salesman trying out a new viral marketing strategy. My money is on terrorists. Although nail salesman...

Two people need to be located in this case:

The person who parked a car out front a nightclub and failed to detonate it, but succeeded at making it generate smoke. Rest assured, however, this person isn't very dangerous. If you have a car full of gas, how do you make it smoke and not explode?
The bomb-squad member who walked towards a smoking car filled with gasoline and nails. That takes some balls, buy that guy a drink.

Update: Another car has been found with bomb materials in London. They don't know much right now, except that now they are looking for more than one really stupid terrorist.