Soosed News Patrol

Do you like chocolate? Do you like not having high blood pressure? If so, you're screwed. It turns out that brutal dirt flavored dark chocolate helps lower blood pressure. Boo.

'According to a study published in today's issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association, eating a small portion of dark chocolate each day can lower your blood pressure without packing on the pounds. That's good news for the 15 per cent of Canadians who have high blood pressure.'

I don't like dark chocolate. Unless it's in cookies or some kind of brownie, it's hell candy. This news is like saying "Cherries cure cancer, but only the rotten ones you find on the sidewalk". I guess you would have to have a sidewalk cherry to know how bad they are, but take it from me, you don't want to. They taste like shoes. And dirt.