Soosed News Patrol

A horrible accident has claimed the lives of five Rochester teenagers just one week after they had graduated from high school.

"A fiery head-on collision killed five women in a sport utility vehicle less than a week after they graduated from a high school in a Rochester suburb, the principal said Wednesday. Their Chevrolet Trail Blazer had just passed a vehicle late Tuesday when it swerved back across the two-lane road into oncoming traffic and hit a tractor-trailer, the Ontario County Sheriff's Office said. Both vehicles caught fire. The crash knocked down utility lines and cut phone service in the western half of Ontario County. The truck driver wasn't injured."

To make matters worse, four of them were cheerleaders! One of them wasn't, but the news doesn't particularly care about her.

"Fairport High School Principal David Paddock said four of the women were members of the cheerleading squad -- Bailey Goodman, Hannah Congdon, Meredith McClure and Sara Monnat -- and he identified the fifth as Katie Shirley."

When I die in a tragic accident, I hope I get mentioned in a news article for what I wasn't.

"Here lies John Smith, he wasn't a football player, and he was not a baseball player. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."

This is essentially a way for the news to point out which of the girls were pretty and had athletic bodies, as if it somehow mattered. I think when a suicide bomber kills hundreds of people in Iraq reporters should sift through the charred bodies and let us all know what they find.

"78 people were killed in a market bombing today in central Baghdad, but only 13 of them appeared to be attractive women. Better luck next time, Al Queda."

*The picture above-left is unrelated to this story. Remember to turn on the adult filter on an image search if you want pictures of cheerleaders in their uniforms. Otherwise... uh...